there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
