I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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