I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Pants are for mortals
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
