Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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