i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
