So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My bed smells like the plague
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