her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
