so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
