I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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