Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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