I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
