you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
