my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
