we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
