You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
