She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
