Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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