So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
