community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
