We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
