I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
