Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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