Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
