3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
