Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
