He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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