Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
