We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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