the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
