New low: just hacked my moms facebook
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
