Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
