I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
