so that wasnt chicken after all
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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