i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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