Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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