Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
