she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
