i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
