Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
