I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
