so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
