this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
