2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
