Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
