I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
