Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am one with the molecules
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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