you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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