I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
