My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
