If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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