I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
