You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
