I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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