It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
try to milk me bitch
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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