Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
